transdreaming
published on the 46th day of 2021, a Monday
 February 15th at 15:53
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In the dream i am going to some kind of great gathering of transfemmes. There is a group that i am with and they are all fabulous and you would never guess that they weren't afab. and, there is me, unambiguously myself, a pretty obviously masc body, bald head, aging and beard-shadowed face, made up best i can. At first i am excited for this gathering; it feels supportive to be with so many of my people in one place (and not even a moment of why aren't we wearing masks? how is it possible for us to gather?). The dream transforms though; the surroundings and people become more and more mirrored and gilded while i remain just as drab and myself. They all turn on me and say that i'll never pass like that. I protest that being trans isn't about passing, but they just keep repeating it and surrounding me, and trying to drag me off to be made more presentable. All the while, i keep yelling that being trans isn't about passing, as they're getting closer and closer, pulling and pulling.

And then, of course, I wake up.

This may have been my first transnightmare. The times I've had transdreams are the best. I am comfortable in my body, embracing my aspirations, being myself in the dreamspace. There is no need to explain or justify. I wake feeling secure on this path, excited to explore further. This one has left me raw. I have been reading Little Fish by Casey Plett. This is clearly seeping in.

I read a daily card this morning from the Star Spinner. Here's what the LWB has to say about the Nine of Swords... "it calls attention to your deepest fears and your recurring nightmares. Everything feels pointless. Even though you have all but given up, you continue to fret and worry over everything. This might be a sign that there is still some fight in you, but for the moment there is little to be done. You are overwhelmed with a looming sense of regret. You must find and confront those things that haunt you." Of the decks I work with, I love this one because they never pull their punches and they always go directly for the heart. They are the true friend keeping me honest even when their advice feels like a slap.

To be trans is to make continuous decisions about being in the world in ways that defy the culturally-conditioned expectations of body and voice. I am evaluating who I am each day, and recognizing that every action will likely be misinterpreted. On the phone, my voice is a sir not a mx (pronounced mix); if I ever do practice my voice into a higher register, I will become a ma'am, still not mx, because there is a mistaken belief that there are only two options. In person, despite feminine clothing and makeup, I imagine that people see a man playing dress-up instead of someone working very hard to shed any association or claim to masculinity, while I also imagine that, after so many years of conditioning, I'll never be able to express myself in ways that claim femininity either. Would I identify more closely with the binary, as a woman if I had been more self-aware in my 30s or 20s or teens? This is a question I can never answer. I do not know how much my actions are accommodation to my perception of possibilities.

I am absolutely not the person to speak to wider trans experience, not even close; for every person, it's a profoundly individual journey, and I am a person coming to this journey midlife, coming with both a great deal of privilege and good fortune, and also many forms of mental challenge from decades of repressing who I am. Some folks identify with the binary, some do not. Within all that, the range of expression gathers so many words — femme, masc, andro, gender fuckery, etc etc etc — all trying to say here I am, like this, in the the world, see me (or don't), just let me enjoy my life like anyone else born into a body tries to do.

At one end of the spectrum, for someone who feels comfortable in the gender binary, presenting as a woman or man and able to express themselves that in recognized ways, they may walk in the world without anyone knowing they are trans. And yet, they may still carry a fear of being clocked, recognized as trans in a way that upsets people's assumptions and, in doing so, can put a trans person at risk to their body, mental/emotional state, and financial/housing/medical needs. And outside the binary, anything seems possible, yet the colonization of constraints is a powerful limiter.

This may be the most radically creative act I've ever allowed myself.